Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Loveless Life

Today is the day my mothers companion of 35 years will be laid to rest. When you read this you may think I'm sad, but honestly I'm not. My heart does not grieve for him, but instead it grieves for the 35 years that my mother had with him. You see, he was an extremely abusive man. I remember hearing his vicious words spewing out all over my mother, his threats of breaking her arm, and even the physical fights. It is because I remember how he was toward my mother that I cannot grieve over his death.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this for whoever to see, I guess I just want someone to listen to me. It seems that some in my family do not have the same feelings about him. That is okay, we had different dynamics of the relationship. However, it does not negate the fact that the things I witnessed my mother go through were very real. It was not love. It was a vial sick relationship that should of ended before it even started. 

I wonder how my mom would be with his death? Would she of been sad, lonely, angry, or just feel free? In my heart of hearts I think she would feel sad, but then the freedom would come. I cannot know how she would be because, she died from lymphoma 4 years ago. The disease ravished her body and the man who claimed to love her on death bed did not even know how sick she was till the end. Is that love? Just because you say the words, "I love you", does not mean that love is there. 

Maybe he didn't know how to love and maybe my mother didn't know how to receive true love. I guess that could be an reason or just an excuse to continue in a bad relationship.   

I loved my mother and I would of loved to see her thrive in a relationship. My heart grieves for her that she didn't know the gentleness of love, but only a lashing tongue and a heavy hand. For some reason she thought she didn't deserve to be loved. She actually told me that staying with him was her purgatory. 

So today as some mourn the loss of this man, I only mourn the loss of a loveless 35 years for my mom. 

***I know God is able to heal the pain, but today it seems to be fresh anew.***** 

2 comments:

Penny @ iCouldbeFake.com said...

Oh Lesley. I'm so sorry. I think it's perfectly okay that you're not grieving the loss of this man.

It's sad that your mother thought that was her purgatory. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

I also used to watch my stepfather beat my mother, she left eventually though. I will not grieve for him when he dies.

Hopefully your family doesn't get you too much of a hard time for how you feel about this.

Granite Buckeye said...

Sometimes old wounds need to be opened to expose the poison that lies within. Once there is an opening, the poison can run out....the wound then closes again from the inside out. The Lord uses the same process on us, to allow wounds from our past to drain, then He fills it with His Love and heals us from the inside out. Sometimes the process has to be repeated, but He will never stop, because He loves us unconditionally and wants us to be totally healed.....From the Inside Out.
Praying for you.....